by Tommy Gimler
Even my grandma knows that the Tigers are going to win the AL Central, and she’s been dead for eight years. But for the first time in decades, the Kansas City Royals have a roster made up of talent. And the Indians gave more money to Nick Swisher and Michael Bourn than what the entire city of Cleveland is worth. And the White Sox again have a solid pitching staff. And the Twins, well, good Christ. Not even Ron Gardenhire can manage this team of nobodies out of Pig Shit City…
Detroit Tigers
It’s official. The Tigers have taken over Detroit, an honor once held by a combination of syphilis and violent crime. Last year’s American League champions add Torii Hunter and Victor Martinez to their lineup in 2013, and you could argue that they didn’t bring back their worst player from a year ago, Jose Valverde. That leaves Jim Leyland’s carton of Pall Malls as the only toxic thing left in the Tigers clubhouse.
These guys are players: Justin Verlander, Prince Fielder, Miguel Cabrera
These guys are turds: Jhonny (that’s how you spell it) Peralta, Rick Porcello
2012 record: 88-74 (1st, AL Central)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 99-63 (1st, AL Central)
Vegas says: 90 (1st, AL Central)
Bleacher Report: 94-68 (1st, AL Central)
BaseballGuru.com: 90-72 (1st, AL Central)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 95-67 (1st, AL Central)
Cleveland Indians
Nick Swisher does absolutely nothing for us, but Michael Bourn does. The Indians are going to score some runs, and that’s a good thing because they’re going to need them. Last year’s starting rotation had the third worst ERA in all of baseball (5.25), and their bullpen wasn’t much better (23rd with a 3.99 ERA). But they did only blow 13 saves, so maybe it’s safe to say that if this team takes a 12-11 lead into the 8th inning, they’ll be just fine.
These guys are players: Jason Kipnis, Michael Bourn, Asdrubal Cabrera
These guys are turds: Mark Reynolds, Drew Stubbs, Ubaldo Jimenez
2012 record: 68-94 (4th, AL Central)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 83-79 (2nd, AL Central)
Vegas says: 77.5 (4th, AL Central)
Bleacher Report: 77-85 (4th, AL Central)
BaseballGuru.com: 78-84 (3rd, AL Central)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 66-96 (5th, AL Central)
Chicago White Sox
The White Sox didn’t bring back A.J. Pierzynski? You have got to be bleeping me. Gordon Beckham is still in the big leagues? You have got to be bleeping me. Adam Dunn is still short of the all-time record for career strikeouts? You have got to be bleeping me. Dylan Axelrod is actually a pitcher on the White Sox and not a sex move? You have got to be bleeping me.
These guys are players: Paul Konerko, Chris Sale, Alexei Ramirez
These guys are turds: Adam Dunn, Gordon Beckham, Gavin Floyd
2012 record: 85-77 (2nd, AL Central)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 81-81 (3rd, AL Central)
Vegas says: 80.5 (2nd, AL Central)
Bleacher Report: 80-82 (3rd, AL Central)
BaseballGuru.com: 82-80 (2nd, AL Central)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 71-91 (3rd, AL Central)
Retarded Uncle Mitch: 75-99 (8th place, NL North)
Kansas City Royals
Look. We don’t care how many pitchers (James Shields, Ervin Santana, Wade Davis) you add to a team with potent bats (Alex Gordon, Billy Butler, Salvador Perez). As long as the pile of pig shit wrapped in human skin known as Ned Yost is at the helm of this squad, they are going to remain a bigger joke than the WNBA. Last year marked the ninth consecutive season that a Ned Yost-managed team has had a losing streak of at least six games.
These guys are players: Billy Butler, James Shields, Salvador Perez
These guys are turds: Eric Hosmer, Ned Yost
2012 record: 72-90 (3rd, AL Central)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 77-85 (4th, AL Central)
Vegas says: 79 (3rd, AL Central)
Bleacher Report: 84-78 (2nd, AL Central)
BaseballGuru.com: 77-85 (4th, AL Central)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 75-87 (2nd, AL Central)
Minnesota Twins
Joe Mauer is a solid player and one of the best catchers in the game. Likewise, it might not get any better than Ron Gardenhire at manager. But when the ace of your pitching staff is Vance Worley, your team is in a lot of fucking trouble, like a “waking up next to a broad who says that the only other musician that she has ever had sex with is Freddie Mercury” kind of trouble.
These guys are players: Joe Mauer, Trevor Plouffe, Josh Willingham
These guys are turds: Mike Pelfrey, Liam Hendriks, Brian Dozier
2012 record: 66-96 (5th, AL Central)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 65-97 (5th, AL Central)
Vegas says: 64.5 (5th, AL Central)
Bleacher Report: 68-94 (5th, AL Central)
BaseballGuru.com: 77-85 (5th, AL Central)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 69-93 (4th, AL Central)
Retarded Uncle Mitch: 41-39-2 (6th, Western Conference)
